When I become the worst version of myself, I start to question why God made me Dillon’s wife. My worst version often comes out when things don’t go my way. Kind of like an infant’s response. And because I’m a teacher, I can hear my own voice mocking me…
“Two year olds have fits,” Mrs. Mowdy would say. “Are you a two year old?”
I let myself fall into that endless pit. The pit where loneliness, self-pity, and selfishness like to party. I begin to feel so overwhelmed by life’s demands that I want to sink into the floor I’m most likely laying on. I want to disappear because that seems like the easiest option. I’ve always struggled with random days of depression, except now that I’m married, I have an audience who witnesses it. Which is a new kind of awful.
Sometimes, I begin to dwell on the idea that I’m not cut out for the job of a wife. Being a good wife is too difficult. Who can be stable all the time? Not me. And my husband needs a wife who is more stable. Constant like a train, not chaotic like a roller coster.
I let my guard down. And with my guard let down, my ability to react correctly gets largely compromised. This, I’ve learned, thrills the enemy.
Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. – 1 Peter 5:8
In that mood, when the enemy talks to me, not only will I listen, I’ll believe him. And he says the ugliest things.
“Look at you. Being all depressed. What a loser.”
“Dillon was going places before he met you.”
“Pursuing a relationship with Dillon was the cruelest thing you’ve ever done.”
“You knew you were predisposed to depression. Just like your mom. It was selfish for you to marry someone knowing what you know about yourself.”
“You’re just going to ruin that man.”
“You know, it would be better if you died so your husband could find a wife who’s not such a wreck.”
“Do your husband a favor. Let him out now.”
Goodness, gracious. The enemy sure knows which words are going to bring the most powerful blow.
In the past, meaning before I knew God, those lies would have been all I would allow myself to hear. I used to let them soak in and let them eat away at me. I thought that because I had thought them they must be true. I used to not know that the enemy likes to come uninvited into my head and talk nonsense.
Thankfully, I’ve learned there’s another voice that can pull me back up and force the enemy to shut up. The voice of truth.
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” – Matthew 19:6
God put my husband and me together. He doesn’t make mistakes. And if God thinks that my husband and I belong together, then who am I to cast doubt?
Yes, some days I fail Dillon as a wife. Yes, I’m needy. Yes, I’m manipulating. But thank God, I am also learning. So there are less and less days where I fail miserably. And when I do start to stumble and the enemy starts reading from his script of lies, I can speak truth over them.
No, devil, I don’t have to die for Dillon to meet a better woman. I can BE that better woman. It sounds so strange and dramatic to write out that statement, but I’ve let myself become convinced of that in the past. Scary.
Dillon is the best man I know. That’s why I married him. I’d like to believe he married me because I’m the best woman he knows. And I want to spend my marriage proving to him he was correct. He made the right choice.
I don’t want my husband to have a wife who needs constant help. A wife who can’t (won’t) overcome. A wife he has to tip-toe around. When I was chatting with the devil about how it would be better if my husband had a different wife, I wrote out a list of qualities I’d like for that woman to have. God really does make all things work together for our good. A lie from the enemy to destroy my marriage led to a list that will enhance my marriage. Ha, devil! You lose again!
This list is my way of staying on track when the marriage of two sinners gets tough.
The Wife I Want My Husband To Have
She goes to God first.
She keeps their house clean. She happily keeps their house clean.
She plans adventures for them.
She confronts her husband on his sin.
She prays for her husband daily.
She will choose forgiveness over resentment.
She supports her husband’s hobbies and is bold with her own.
She’s no fool when it comes to the devil. She is prepared to fight back.
She does not complain about her husband’s downfalls.
She spoils her husband rotten.
My goal is to be a blessing to my husband. To build him up, not tear him down.
A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones. – Proverbs 12:4
Yikes, that is a scary thought. Lord, please don’t let me be cancer to my husband…help me to remember this list and be intentional about becoming the wife I want my husband to have. Amen.